She went to bed every night crying for her daddy. She was only 2 and honestly had spent very little time with him in her first years of life. But something inside this little girl knew she needed her daddy and she loved him fiercely.
What was I to do? Her daddy and I were separated and our divorce was looming in front of us. He now lived in another state 1000 miles from the comforts of the home we had established together. My family, my friends and my life were rooted in this west Texas college town. How could I make a change this big? This drastic? How could I do what he asked and pack up our children and go to where he was? This divorce was his idea, not mine. His move to the other side of the country was his idea, not mine. None of this was my idea, dadgumit!!
Why should I do things his way?
I would’ve been perfectly comfortable staying in our quaint 3 bedroom home close to my family. I could’ve continued on in my job. I could’ve finished school and gotten that degree. I’d have stayed in my church and continued playing in the bell choir. The school the girls would start in a few short years was within walking distance of our home…it was a good school. My friends didn’t want me to move. My family certainly didn’t want me to move. There was a MALL less than half a mile from my front door! Good grief!!
Why should I do things his way?
My way made so much more sense. If he wanted to live 1000 miles away from us that was his business. I’d stay where I was, with my children, my job, my life. I’d survive, find new love, get married again. I’d stay put … in Texas … surrounded by loved ones, Whataburger and Blue Bell ice cream! Priorities, you know! I mean, who in their right mind would leave all the comforts of home to move to a strange city where the only person you’d know was your very soon to be ex-husband? Why, in the midst of such great trial in my life, would I even consider leaving my support system of awesome people? How would I ever take care of my two preschool age children by myself as a single mom in a town I knew nothing about? I didn’t like to make phone calls…( I still don’t for that matter!) I wasn’t crazy about having to start over on my own …completely on my own!
I would not do things his way!!
Nope…no way Jose!
There was one problem, however, in being insistent on getting my way in this. There was a precious 2 year old crying in her room for her daddy. I was broken. I knew I didn’t want to leave. I worried what staying would do to my children. So one night in a fit of desperation, I stayed up all night crying out to God. This was new for me, a first…this crying out, screaming at God thing. I mean, would He throw lightening bolts from heaven down on my house because I admitted my extreme anger at Him? Would He send a swarm of large flying insects to devour us all because I had the audacity to question Him? I had done nothing wrong! I didn’t deserve this! How could He be letting this happen? It was all so ridiculous and unreal to me.
Worn completely out emotionally and physically , I remember laying on the couch barely able to see out of my puffy cried out eyes. I lay there completely numb when suddenly I heard my answer. I can’t say it was an audible answer but I felt it so strongly in the depths of my soul that it might as well have been someone standing over me gently whispering one word …
What? Go? Really? Go? You’ve got to be kidding me, right?? That is NOT the answer I need to hear !! Surely I heard wrong!
I sat up and walked over to the kitchen table where a workbook I had brought home from a Sunday school class I had visited the previous weekend was sitting. It’s been 24 years since that night and I so wish I could remember the exact verses I read from that workbook. I could sit now and give a pretty educated guess. But I don’t want to do that. I do remember, though, feeling God was speaking to me through them. It was so very clear to me that He was telling me it would be OK. That He would go with me. He would never leave me, He would never forsake me. But I needed to trust Him and GO.
Why should I do things His way?
“Then He told them what they could expect for themselves: “Anyone who intends to come with Me has to let Me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat – I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow Me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, My way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?…” Luke 8:23-25 (The Message)
Someone was about to die and it was me. Little did I know that there was a “serial killer” on the loose and I would be the victim over and over and over…
… Stay tuned for part two of this three part blog challenge…